"I Need Help, But First Let Me Clean My House"

This past week, I discovered 2 BIG things about myself and though at first glance they may not appear to be related, they are.

First of all, I am absolutely terrible at asking for help. I don’t know how to do it. I’ve been like this all my life. It’s just taken me this long to admit and concede to it. Sure it has popped up repeatedly over the years, but I was excellent at denying its existence and had even convinced myself that it was a positive thing. In my mind I was of course more independent, self sufficient, grown up, in control and a compete force to be reckoned with because I could do everything myself. Asking for help was for weak people, or so it played out in my mind. And as a result I’ve always set myself goals and expectations of the highest standard. Which can lead to a nasty fall, if I ever fall short. A fall that may have been avoided and a goal or expectation that may have got met, if I had just reached out for some help. But no, for me things have to be at their most dramatic and I literally have to be in a very bad situation for me to do that little reach out.

Then there is my little avoidance game. Yes, when I find myself faced with a challenge that I know is going to be very tough or maybe even impossible, then I load up my day with other stuff. Stuff that in the moment I tell myself is way more urgent and needs my complete attention.

Lets take my website design challenge as an example. I will wake up in the morning and before I get out of bed, I do a metal assessment of what is on my agenda for the day. Then I’ll say something like, “this afternoon will be spent working on my website. Today is the day it will all click and I’ll be well on my way to getting it up and running” So with the best of intentions, I get up and get cracking on my day. As afternoon approaches, I start to get anxious. I know its coming close to the time I said I would knuckle down to some web building, but I’m not ready. This challenge is way over my head and I just know I’m in for an afternoon of torture. And rather then do the whole “ask for help” thing, cos least we forget, help is for weak people, I busy myself with other stuff. All of a sudden I will notice that the furniture needs a good polishing, so let me get that done, then I’ll do some web building. Oh but wait, the kitchen needs to be cleaned too, including the floor. Then of course there’s the bathrooms. And since I’m already into it, let me just vacuum all the floors upstairs.

This takes me right through the afternoon and by the end I’m like, “Oh dear, look, the day is almost over and I never got to do any work on my website. What a shame. But I’ll definitely get stuck into it tomorrow, I swear”. Don’t get me wrong, this little tactic of mine gives me no pleasure. In fact it just adds to my anxiety. Cos now I feel time is becoming the enemy and he is quickly backing me into a tiny corner and I can’t seem to move. Life becomes a pressure cooker.

But it’s not all bad news. There is a teeny, tiny light appearing in a tunnel that unfortunately is 29 years plus, long, but at least I can see it. Well, I think I can. My eyes are not so very good in the dark, but I’m sure I can make out something that resembles a light. Bottom line is I have ever so gently, in a voice that is more like a whisper right now, began to ask for help. I have also exposed my avoidance tactics, so I can now stop myself in my own tracks, when the urge to do everything but the task at hand presents itself again. This whole new approach has left me feeling a little vunerable and a lot umcomfortable, but at least I'm trying

How’s that for a “What I’ve Learned Monday”?